I got drunk and wrote this: A steak recipe

What do you mean I look drunk?
Club lighting…brought to you by photoshop

I like to cook with wine … sometimes I even put it in the food. Ba-dum-cha! Get it??? No? Well. You don’t have to whiiiine about it. I also like to cook with vodka. Rum. Whatever alcohol is available, really.

The fact is, I’m a bit drunk right now. And I’ve decided (drunkenly) to write articles about random recipes, completely unedited after a night out. Drunk af. It’s OK. I drink enough to make this a regular thing.

I often think drunk me is more responsible than actual me. I think … I can’t be f’ed up in the a.m. so drunk me l lays out hungover mes clothes. I write myself notes of things to remember. Etc. Obvs, drunk me isn’t perfect. I have “great ideas”…like writing articles about food when I’m drunk. Speaking of food, I have leftover pizza at home and drunk me is gonna tear into that shizzz.


Anyway, this is Newdie Mag (explaining that name to my mom was fun) so here comes a recipe (with my commentary). Are you excited? You should be excited.

I figured since it’s a drunk article I should have a recipe with wine in it. I dont have one. So I Googled.

Here is where this recipe comes from. All rights reserved. Yada yada yada.

https://www.today.com/recipes/pan-seared-steaks-red-wine-sauce-recipe-t123300

1) This sounds amazing. Almost as amazing as the pizza I’m about to scarf down. Question: hot or cold leftover pizza? Leave a comment!

2) The Today Show. Dont believe I’ve ever seen it. That would require me to wake up before noon. That. Sounds. Awful.

3) This recipe seems hella long. Damn. Let’s go over it. ( ) <—– that’s me. Do I have to explain that? I dont know ya life.

Ingredients

STEAK (Yum!)

Two 8- to 10-ounce (8-10 giggles) sirloin steaks, about 3/4- to 1-inch thick

Kosher (shalom!) salt

Freshly ground black pepper (I actually have that in my pantry)

Canola oil

Olive oil

(What’s the difference between the two, srly)

4 cloves garlic (to ward off vampires), roughly smashed (I think I’ve seen a video with the same title on an adult site)

2 to 3 sprigs fresh thyme (Thyme is money)

1 to 2 sprigs fresh rosemary (where the hell do I get “fresh” rosemary? Please allow me to go put to my garden)

1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter, cubed (who cubes butter…this recipe is so bougie)




PAN SAUCE

2 shallots, finely chopped (I’m honestly not quit sure what a shallot is)

2 cloves garlic, finely chopped (more vampires to ward off)

1 cup red wine, such as Cabernet or Malbec (Yaaaas!)

1/3 cup beef stock (sounds like a bad investment)

3 tablespoons butter (would you like that cubed)

Preparation

For the steak:

1. Remove steaks from the refrigerator and let rest to come to room temperature. Pat them dry with paper towels. (Should I massage them too. A happy ending)

2. Season the steaks liberally with kosher salt and coarsely ground black pepper on all sides and press into meat. Let seasoned meat rest for approximately 10 to 15 minutes. (I need a rest)

3. Place a skillet (large enough to fit both steaks comfortably) (<—- that wasn’t me) over high heat.

4. When pan is extremely hot (flirt with it), pour in approximately 2 to 3 tablespoons of canola oil and shake (twerk) pan to make sure entire bottom of skillet is coated.

5. When oil begins to smoke (420?) slightly, using tongs, carefully lay the steaks into the pan, laying them down away from you. (This is so specific…hahahahaha)

6. Press down slightly on meat (I do that nightly). Let steak sear, without moving it, for roughly 2 minutes until a golden brown crust develops, then drizzle (that nightly too) a tablespoon of olive oil into the pan. The crust will form and then detach from the bottom of the pan. (Not that nightly)

7. Using tongs, carefully flip steak and let cook for another two minutes. Drizzle another tablespoon of olive oil on and around the meat. (This just sounds naughtier and naughtier)

8. After the crust has formed, set both of the steaks on the fat strip that runs along the side of the sirloin. You can set them side-by-side against the edge of the pan if it has a high enough edge, or hold them on their ends using the tongs. Render off this fat for roughly 60-90 seconds. Tilt the pan towards the steaks so the oil and hot fat will continue to baste and cook the meat. Then set steaks down flat, side by side in pan. (Holy crap! Who am I??? Martha freakin Stewart, that is soooo specific)

9. Add the smashed garlic ( I want to suck your blood) cloves and approximately 1½-2 tablespoons of olive oil. Tilt pan to make sure the oil touches all of the meat. Add rosemary(‘s baby) and thyme (after thyme). You can again add an additional drizzle of olive oil.

10. Add butter to the pan, a few chunks (those freakin cubes) at a time, placing them on either side of the steaks, above them, between them and below. As the butter begins to melt, bubble and brown (Double, double, toil and trouble.
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.), give the pan a swirl, tilting slightly (like a carnival ride) towards you so that all of the melted butter and juice collects towards you in the skillet.

11. Using a spoon, thoroughly baste the steak with the butter and juices at the bottom of the pan. Carefully (how fragile is this steak?) flip the steaks and repeat, basting frequently.

12. While basting, using tongs, periodically brush the steaks with the herbs and garlic from the pan. The steaks can then be basted with the herbs and garlic on top. Flip the steaks and repeat, brushing the surface with garlic and herbs and basting over them (during the basting process, continually check the surface tension of the meat to check the doneness. Use the palm of your hand as a gauge: soft part of the thumb is rare, moving towards the finger is medium-rare and well done is down by your wrist.) (<—- not me again…and this is just way too much to read. Snooooooze)

13. When a crust has formed, and you have a soft texture with a little bit of resistance, ideally medium-rare, turn off the heat, and remove the steaks from the skillet, placing them on a cutting board. (Finally, are we done yet?)

14. Place fried herbs (what kinda herbs are we talking about? I know a guy) and garlic on top of steak, drizzle steaks with pan drippings and cover loosely with foil and let rest for 5-10 minutes.

For the pan sauce: (crap, we’re not done yet)

1. Using the pan in which the steaks were cooked earlier, pour off all but 2 teaspoons of fat and the flavorful browned bits adhering to the bottom (bottom feeders…), and place over medium-high heat.

2. Using a wooden (once again…why so specific? Will a metal spatula not do?) spatula, scrape the browned bits from the bottom of the pan and, stirring constantly, add finely chopped shallots and garlic.

3. Add 1 cup of red wine (now you’ve got my attention) and keep stirring and reducing the sauce.

4. Continuing to stir, add beef stock (still a bad investment)

5. Add the butter, reduce heat to medium and keep stirring so the butter does not break (I literally have no idea what butter looks like when it breaks….thanks for the tip though)

To serve:

Slice the steaks against the grain (like when you’re shaving) and serve with pan sauce drizzled over the meat or on the side (they forgot to say put it on a plate, a bougie ass plate … Martha.)

Good night! Go cook and enjoy your fancy pants steak from a morning show!!!

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