The Nightmare Before Easter

Eggs make me sick

One of the scariest days of the year is almost upon us, the day we prepare for by boiling chicken fetuses alive and decorate their corpses’ shells as though they were mere decorations for our amusement, before hiding them from our children and watching them search in absolute futility. The one responsible for this trespassing crime is supposedly a giant, walking, talking rabbit who comes into your house and steals back the eggs while you’re sleeping, scatters them around the house and yard for its own sick pleasure as it watches from behind the bushes while the kids struggle to find them. What a sociopath.

And what is the reward for finding these eggs? An opportunity to get diabetes as these sweet fluffy candies — known in some circles as Peeps — enter our children’s mouths and fill their bodies with the emptiness of their marshmellowed souls. (See recipe for what to make with Peeps below)

The day spawns a trauma in a potential artist that anything he or she paints or creates inevitably will be taken away, and after years of therapy still might not remember the origin of trauma came from a seemingly innocuous holiday in the springtime. Easter has been hiding its true darkness for far too long. Rather than deny its true intentions, we should embrace the true nature of Easter as a day to scare children while we indulge in sugary destruction of the body. The holiday is essentially Halloween with prettier colors and more sunshine.

Eye’ve seen a bullseye egg recipe here before 

To get into your Halloween on Easter vibe, start off by beginning the morning with a fun prank. Wake up your family or roommates or live-in lover with a killer clown mask placed gently next to their pillow. If you want to stick with the Easter theme, try donning a Donnie Darko rabbit costume and make sure it’s the first thing they see when they come to the kitchen for breakfast. Another cool idea to get into the spirit is to remind them of how Jesus sacrificed himself by doctoring some of the eggs to look bloodied. Here’s how to do it :

These eggs are probably well done

After they’re properly on edge and don’t know what to expect next, make sure they get a nice scare during their search for their freshly stolen eggs. Imagine your little Timmy, who has a bullying problem at school, getting the snot scared out of him by a mummy with rabbit ears on his way to the living room. He might just be taken down a peg or two. If you also have a little Jimmy who is the one being bullied, you can have him dress as the zombie and give him the empowerment he needs to make it during third-grade recess. Feel free to add strategically placed fake spiders near the eggs as well, and let them know if they don’t find all the eggs within a specific amount of time it will summon a very ancient and very evil curse created by an Egyptian Pharoah. This will encourage them to work together as a team and teach them about meeting deadlines.

If you truly feel guilty about making your children cry after they’ve been forced to face their fear of insects and ghosts and curses, you can nurture creativity by dressing up in whatever they want during the egg hunt, a terror-free way to embrace the Halloween spirit of creative costume expression. Nobody is allowed to wear boring church clothes on this festive day. Let’s spice up the wardrobe and allow them to hunt for eggs as Captain Marvel, Spiderman or something more individually expressive like a gorilla sea monster made of feathers, the paper bag princess or a grilled cheese sandwich — whatever makes them live their most authentic and weird self. After your precious dinosaur ballerina finds her last egg, you can meet in the house and share each other’s findings, celebrating the victory over the curse if applicable or taking the steps to protect your family from the inevitable doom that will cloud your lives by failing to find the Easter eggs in time.

Hope these tips will help make your Easter a treasured one this year for the family, and don’t forget to try the link to find fabulous ideas to make Peeps into cookies, popcorn topping and, even, a lemondrop martini!

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